Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Grandma and Grandpa

Memory problems

Grandma & Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's hungry for some ice cream.

"Hey, Grandma - I'm going to the kitchen and get myself a dish of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?"

"Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget." replies Grandma.

"I will not!" retorts Grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that, too."

"OK," says Grandma, "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're going to forget..."

Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes, accompanied by a cacaphonous banging of pots and pans.

Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs.

"See there, Grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides Grandma.

"What do you mean, 'forget,' Grandma? What did I forget?" demands Grandpa.

"You fool," says Grandma. "You forgot my bacon!"

Monday, June 28, 2010

Oh, give me a home...

Oh, give me a home...

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she prays earnstly for God to allow him to speak to her "Hello Margaret, this is Fred."

"Fred!" she exclaimed. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"

"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. I lack for nothing; the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.

"Heaven?" he answered. "I'm a buffalo in Montana."

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A good way to improve your vocabulary - Tiny Letters to God

Tiny souls: God just loves hearing from them!

Dear GOD,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have?


Dear GOD,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.


Dear GOD,

If you watch me in Church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.


A good way to improve your vocabulary White Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her Mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Middle Age

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.


It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

A good way to improve your vocabulary

Nothing on from the waist down

A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Vocabulary Help

  • waist - cintura
  • grandfather - avô
  • porch - varanda
  • rocking chair - cadeira de balança
  • waist down - da cintura para baixo
  • slowly - lentamente
  • week - semana
  • shirt - camisa
  • stiff neck - pescoço duro
  • grandma's idea - idéia da sua avó

Sunday, March 28, 2010

At the restaurant

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

Are you crazy? yelled the customer, You have your hand on my steak!

What? answers the waiter, You want it to fall on the floor again?

Frank, the eternal optimist

Frank constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would remark, "It could have been worse." To cure him of this annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, a friend said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, he shot them both, then turned the gun on himself." "That's horrible," Frank said. "But it could have been worse." "How could it have been possibly any worse?" the friend asked. "Well," Frank answered, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now."